Secret desires

When I was a young man, I was confused about basic things in life. One thing I did that confused me, was that I went to the local public library and looked at VOGUE. I don't even understand why they kept such a magazine in that dry place. Maybe one of the librarians secretly dreamed of a modeling career in Milano.

Anyway, this activity, which was my secret, confused me. I was intoxicated by that special scent from the glossed paper and the pictures of the beautiful women in those fantastic clothes. And my desire was to be woman. I still haven't come to terms with that desire.Portrait of the blogger as a young man.

Another secret desire I had was to be an actor. I did'nt know why, and i still don't. All I know is that I made the wrong choises, meaning that I never even considered trying to become an actor. So now the conflict between my day job and my betrayed desires frame my life. I have to break out of that frame. That is my quest. And though my day job is interesting in many ways, it will not be given room here. Sygnazeit is for my future in art, and a remedy against mistakes made.

I'm a lucky man though...
Simen and Hedda, the most important people in my life, Piazza Navona, October 2008.

But even with children like these, I am struggling. Sometimes my emotional life feels as distinct and organized as this... Which can be fascinating and intriguing. But I long for some more clarity. Just have to keep struggling...