Deadlock of the stubborn

Kurtz did not go well tonight. I can tell you, the feeling of sitting there on stage knowing that every word you say sounds artificial and like something you don't know why you are saying, really sucks. And when you're done, you see all the faces wearing these slightly worried, serious frowns, politely not looking at you. Well, you just have to take a deep breath and face the music. These are the Norwegian army boots I bought for the occcasion. Having polished them for an entire hour today, and for thirty to fortyfive minutes twice during the weekend, I thought I had the physical action under my skin. I didn't, though. The movements were clumsy and without meaning, just like the words. The whole monolouge felt totally locked for me. Øyvind wasn't worried though, because we've seen it better. He quickly figured out that Kurtz must have polished his boots around 7000 times. I had maybe done them 30. So it's a matter of getting this action so automatized that I don't have to think about doing it at all. I'll have to polish them for at least half an hour every day before I do the monologue again next monday.

But that is not my main problem. The problem is that I wouldn't listen to Øyvinds advice not to do something we have seen recently or many times. I have seen Apocalypse Now maybe six times, and it is my number one favourite film. But since some years had passed since last time I saw it, I thought that wouldn't be a problem. At least that's what I said to myself. But the truth is I just wouldn't listen. Tonight I saw how right Øyvind was when he said that no matter what, Marlon Brando's way of doing the scene will allways stand in the way of my own interpretation. I really felt it tonight, when I made my notes after having been on stage. So much for being stubborn. Maybe that's me being a little bit like Kurtz, in a petty way, and ending up in a deadlock, like him.

Now I'll just have to prove myself by creating my very own Kurtz, against all odds.